16) The Green Room - Ormskirk. It's Over, The End

Well chums, it's the end of The Scone Ranger.  It's been great while it lasted, but last night something happened which means this is likely to be my final entry.  I feel like Captain Scott writing in his diary at the end of the ill-fated trip to the South Pole.

It's the Tuesday after Easter.  Mrs R bought me a Cadbury's Mini-Egg for Easter. On Sunday  night I ate the mini-eggs. Last night (Monday) I thought I'd eat the egg.  But I could not find it, I searched the entire house with no joy.  But then I found that Mrs R had put it back in its box in the dining room.  So I took it out and devoured it.   Fab.  Just as I was about to throw away the box I realised it felt a bit heavy.  It did not take long to figure that there was another small bag of mini-eggs in the bottom of the box.  Huzzah!  A bonus pack. What an unexpected surprise.  I opened the pack and ate a couple of mini eggs and then it hit me.  This was not my Easter Egg. I was eating someone else's egg.  It was an egg bought by Mrs R for someone else, probably a child because it was mini-eggs.  That's when the hyper-ventilating started.  Followed by the panic attack.  I was in trouble.  Mrs R would be very unhappy with me.  Worse.

What could I do?  Should I immediately tell Mrs R what I had done, and be completely honest.    No, I did what most men would have done in my position.  The first thing I did was dispose of the evidence - I ate the rest of the mini-eggs.  Then the plan,  I could blame it on Trento.  That would be good.  Or I could say we had been broken into and whoever it was had stolen just the Mini Egg box.   Then I hit on another plan.  I would scour the shops of West Lancs looking for a replacement egg.   Well I did that today, and could not find a single egg.  I bought a packet of mini-eggs but on its own that would not be enough.  Mrs R is a fair woman, but she will not be happy with me.  I'd eaten a child's Easter egg and cannot get a replacement.  Someone was going to be disappointed. But someone closer to home was going to be up the creek without a chocolate paddle.  I've truly chocolate dropped myself in it.

There's nothing I can do except go for one final cake and cup of tea.   A sort of hearty breakfast for a condemned man.   At the very least I am going to be grounded.  I have chosen as the destination for my final trip The Green Room in Ormskirk, with my friend Miss Victoria.  The Green Room has been open a couple of years. It sells coffee and the like during the day, but is more of a bar during the night.  The choice of cakes was poor and not home made.   I had a Millionaire Shortbread (£1.80) and a pot of tea (2.5 cups)  Total price - £3.35.  With a matching teapot, cup and saucer. There were newspapers inside to read  but we sat outside in the sun as we had Trento with us.  It was pleasant.

Well, that's it my last entry as The Scone Ranger.  Thank you for your messages of support, you have been wonderful.  Especially all you readers in Mother Russia.

The Green Room

39 Moor Street
Ormskirk
L39 2AA

7) Cafe Verde - Fruit cake and a Ukelele

I've been for a haircut this morning, and to my surprise these days there's more thats silver about the Scone Ranger than his horse.  I suppose its part of the circle of life.  I'd had another inkling of this earlier in the week.  Two very nice ladies approached and slipped me  a piece of paper. each  Naturally I had confidently expected telephone numbers.  Instead, all I got were recommendations of the names and addresses of a couple of cafes serving cake. Ah well.

Today I had twenty minutes between my visit to the excellent Brian's and meeting with Miss Victoria.  If I was quick there would be just time for a quick cup of tea and piece of cake.   I slipped into Cafe Verde, in Church Street, Ormskirk.   A cup of tea and a slice of fruit cake please.  It turned out that they have two, a light and a dark one.  Decisions and complexities when I was pressed for time.   The dark one has a stronger taste I was told.  £2.20.  They'd bring it over they said.

Ten minutes later I was back at the counter.  "I've ordered fruit cake a pot of tea."    "We're just waiting for the milk," they said.   Waiting for the milk I thought.  I am in a cafe.  It is next door to a Tesco's.  And they have no milk. Alarm bells started ringing.  I can't be late.

I went back to my seat and looked at my watch again.  I was getting anxious.  I must not be late for Miss Victoria. I was beginning to think that I'd have to abandon the sortee and get my money back  That would have been a first for The Scone Ranger.    I can see how this would not got down too well, a masked man wearing a pair of pistols demanding money from staff at the counter.  No, I had to sit tight, for a bit longer at least.   I watched the window, and I looked at the clock.  More than once.  Time was passing.  Then I saw a girl come in carrying a bottle of milk from Tesco's.  At last.

Before you know it I've a small pot of tea (1.5 cups) and a slice of cake.  Both are OK.  But not great.  The special moment of a man alone with his tea and slice of cake, that moment of nirvana, of being in the zone, does not happen today because of the delay.   Plus someone else has the cafe newspaper.    I have to hurry, I could not be late.  I feel a bit cheated.   I am about to eat and drink up quick in order to meet Miss Victoria when the moment was almost saved.  A man sat down and began to play the ukelele.   We are now about to enter another dimension.   Now there's something special about the uke that can only make you smile.  I don't know whether it's the sweet sound or the connection with George Formby, or something else.  Whatever, its a lovely sound and almost saves the day.  But not quite.

By the way, thanks to Mrs E Clair (I can't help but think that this is not her real name) for pointing out that the first Harry Potter book featured in the Refresh log must have been,
'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Scone.'

Cafe Verde, 1 Church House, Church Street, Ormskirk L39 3AG



All the usual buses and trains go to Ormskirk

5) Taylor's Ormskirk - Practically Gourmet.

When I set myself this herculean task of 180 cakes and 180 cups of tea in 180 weeks I thought to myself, I am only going to say good things.  I did not want to appear mean. 
 
But in Taylor’s I thought I had gone asleep and woken up in early East Germany.  I would not have been surprised to see Erich Honecker with the cast of Life on Mars on the table next to me, being served by Lord Lucan.  With a Trabant parked outside. 

Which reminds me, I once tried to run the Berlin marathon and after 18 miles I just kept on hitting The Wall.  What was so disappointing about Taylor’s was the formica tables.  And I was not given fresh milk, instead I was given disposable tubes of milk.  Apart from the Sky TV (Sky!) on the wall I thought I’d gone back in time.

The tea came in a metal pot and the cake came in a bag.  A Farmhouse Fruitcake it said.  It said on the packet it was from Margaret’s Country Kitchen (www.margarethall.com) and it contained vine fruits 33% (Raisins, sultanas and currants in variable proportions).  £1.99. 

The specials board pointed out the various dishes one could have chips with, including egg.  Mrs Ranger and I once visited a park in America which included a meal.  We were shown round by a guide who at the end of the tour assured us that the food was "practically gourmet."  It wasn't.  Since then if the food offered is disappointing, we suggest to each other that its "practically gourmet".  The phrase comes to mind now.

On the plus side its part of a good and valued independent shop which sells news and artists’ supplies.  And it is right in centre of town and you can get to it on the Northern Line to Ormskirk.  Plus all the usual buses go there.  Including the 311.  I think I just expected more.

5 down 175 to go.

Taylor’s,

21-25 Moor Street

, Ormskirk L39 2AA

3) Cafe Red, Ormskirk - Napalm Crumble

This seems to be going well.  This is my third visit as The Scone Ranger and no-one seems to be bothered that I might be here in order to test the food.  I think the mask certainly helps, its allows me to remain anonymous and to blend in with the other customers.  Perhaps wearing the spurs is going a bit far however.  Might need to review that bit.   Especially on the bus.  


Anyway Cafe Red, Ormskirk today.  With my friend Miss Victoria Sponge.  Vicky just does not get it, she can't see why each time I have to have a cake and not something else, or why it has to be in West Lancashire.  I've been to Cafe Red before, it's always friendly and well known for its waffles. 


I subtly asked the waitress if  a waffle counted as a cake.  She then shouted into the kitchen "Is a waffle a cake?"  Except I said waffle (as in war-fell) and she said waffle (as in waff-el).  There was no answer.  I played safe, or so I thought and had the lemon and ginger marmalade bread and butter pudding made with brioche.  I agreed to share with Vicky.  She hated it (she ate a whole slice of decorative lemon by mistake and it put her off).   I ate the whole thing. It was fab. Apart from the dreaded squirty cream, the serving of which should be an offence deserving of corporal punishment. Thats probably whats meant by lashings of cream.  I ate it straight away while it was hot.  I gobbled it down.  Wow, it was lovely.  Wow it was hot, but I could not wait.


An hour later when I was home I had a chronic pain in my stomach and rolled around in agony for over 30 minutes.  I'd been too greedy, too hasty.  I'd eaten it all while it was still too hot and the marmalade was probably still cooking.  I'd scalded my inside.  I felt like I'd feasted on napalm crumble.  I must have looked like the kid in the Ready Brek advert, the one who glows from the inside.  Vicky got the last laugh.


Dear reader, I hope you appreciate I am suffering for you.  Putting myself through this pain so you don't have to.  Vincent Van Gogh was the same.


It was good though.  Would I do that again, probably.


Cafe Red can be reached by train (Northern Line), the Preston to Ormskirk Line and all sorts of buses from 2A, 3, 375,385 and the extraordinary 311.


Cafe Red, 41 Burscough Street, Ormskirk, Lancashire L39 2EG       


3 down 177 to go.